


The Story of Us

by thumbtwiddler



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:48:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thumbtwiddler/pseuds/thumbtwiddler
Summary: Serena and Bernie meet at Uni in their first year as med students and soon become inseparable. Until an incident changes everything and they never speak again.Serena is not able forget about Bernie, but shame, fear and guilt prevent her from making contact. And the years go by.Decades later Major Wolfe enters the corridors of Holby City Hospital.
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 36
Kudos: 196





	1. Chapter 1

It all started the first day I met you. When you walked into the room and your golden hair swirled around your pale, beautiful face. I remember you lifted a hand to get strains of hair away from your face and I was thinking you had such elegant hands. You looked around in the room, searching for a place to sit I guess, and then you looked directly at me and your hazel brown eyes met with mine for the first time. I was already a little dizzy when I took your hand in mine when we greeted, and I couldn’t figure out why. Not then. You repeated my name, as if you wanted to make sure you got it right. The way you pronounced it I will never forget. ‘S´rena?’ I nodded. My name had never sounded lovelier.

“I’m Bernie.” You said with a quick smile.

I was eighteen and so were you. We had both just started medical school and on one of the first days of the first semester this happened. You sat down beside me in the large auditorium, like destiny had placed you there, and my life has never been the same since. You soon became my best friend. I started valuing our friendship as one of the most precious gifts I’d been given in life. You were magnificent! Your sharp mind caught up on every subject with brilliance and a hunger that fascinated me so much I guess I couldn’t avoid telling people about you. My boyfriend nicknamed you ‘Bernie The Great’ and although we laughed about it, deep down it was how I felt about you. Among other things. I didn’t allow those other things to cross my mind very often though. Not even when you put your hand on mine sometimes when you eagerly wanted to show me something and the contact sent electrical impulses that made my entire body weak and my heart race wildly. There was this feeling of something very special, something eternal that scared me so much I repressed it immediately. Until I couldn’t anymore.

We were inseparable that first year at Uni. Then there was a party at the end of it. The celebration of one year completed and every student strutted proudly into the hall with the knowledge of being one year closer to their dream of becoming a doctor. Except you. You were positive this was what you wanted and you were clearly one the brightest students, but instead of looking proud you seemed insecure and misplaced standing in a corner in a dark blue dress. I had never seen you wearing a dress before and you looked adorable and beautiful. You smiled awkwardly and looked away when I told you.

I got a little drunk that evening. I can’t remember if you were drunk too, probably not, but what I do remember is that I couldn’t stay away from you the entire evening. My boyfriend wasn’t there as he was on his third year and the party was only for us newbies. I didn’t mind at all because all I was concerned about was being around you. I ignored the feeling of something I probably, at that time, didn’t recognize as jealousy when you danced with one of our fellow male students. But I remember I was wondering, with a burning flame in my gut, if you liked him. So I pressed my body closer against the blonde, rather good-looking guy I danced with, can’t remember his name, in hope you would notice and feel… something. Even though I had a boyfriend. But I never thought about my boyfriend that night. I thought about you. And when it got late and it was time to go home, I hooked my arm under yours and we walked closely together on the way to the student flats in the dark. We stopped outside your door. There was a pale shine from the outdoor lamp which reflected the light in your eyes, and I think you must have seen something in my eyes too because suddenly you leaned in and kissed me.

And that was the end and the beginning of everything I thought I knew up until then.

* * *

“Ms Campbell, I would like to inform you that there’s a new consultant surgeon starting next week. Her name is Berenice Wolfe. She is an excellent trauma surgeon with a military background and an impeccable reputation. She will be a great addition to this hospital.” Mr Hanssen informed. The corners of his mouth vibrating a little, vaguely forming a smile as only Mr Hanssen can, meaning this was something that made him very eager.

I wasn’t able to reply at first. A few seconds passed where my brain tried to put this information together while my heart was pounding so hard all I could hear was the ringing in my ears.

“Everything alright Ms Campbell?” Mr Hanssen raised an eyebrow, impatiently waiting for an answer. “Perhaps you’ve heard of Ms Wolfe?”

I nodded, was immediately thrown back in time. Felt the way I always did each time your name was mentioned. A combination of excitement, utter devotion and… guilt.

“We… eh… went to the same University many moons ago. She was brilliant, top of her class. I’ve caught up on her work now and then. As you say she is excellent… An excellent surgeon. And she did great in the army too, as I understand. In fact I thought she was still there?” I finally replied, forcing myself to breathe steadily.

Because I had followed every possible step of your career, as much as I could manage to catch up on, but obviously missed this last bit. This very important last bit… And there was more.

“Yes, well unfortunately she had a severe accident about 6 months ago. She was in an explosion and had to undergo complicated surgery she told me when we spoke on the phone. But she is fine now and fit for work. Not going back to the army anymore though, hence her choice to work here.” Hanssen said before he walked away.

I stood on the same spot for the next 5 minutes or so. In a turmoil of emotions. I was going to see you again. Soon. After - what had it been – nearly 30 years? Except the rather awkward reunion party 10 years ago when we hardly spoke at all and I think you systematically avoided me. Or was it me avoiding you? The fact that you had been seriously injured in an accident made my heart clench in fear. I pictured your lean body at the operating table, wondered if you had been scared of not making it through. The possibility of you dying made me terrified. I hurried to my office and closed the door behind me. Tears started streaming down my face.

Oh Bernie!

* * *

My mind wandered back to the night of the 1-year school celebration. _That_ night. When my heart, body and mind were thrown out of proportions and have never since fully recovered. First in the most amazing ways but then… I remember everything so clearly. Your eyes looking into my soul under the lamplight. Your body moving closer, so close I could feel it in every cell of my body although we didn’t quite touch yet. The warmth of your breath before your lips gently touched mine. Soft like feathers. Nothing remotely resembling the kisses of my boyfriend. And I was certainly not thinking about him. You had filled every part of my mind a long time ago. And my heart. And, as shivers flooded deliciously through my spine and pool of want shot down in my belly like I had never experienced before, my body. I wanted to kiss you forever. So I kissed you back, feverishly and hungry. I grabbed you by the shoulders, drew you in and finally felt your body melting against mine like I had secretly dreamed of a thousand times. I think that must have been one of the happiest moment of my life. Because everything that has happened since has somehow been surrounded by different shades of grey, like I haven’t been able to fully enjoy things. I remember I heard a delicate moan escape your lips before I heard the footsteps. And voices and laughter. I looked up and saw a group of fellow students approaching. We had been caught doing something that felt so right seconds ago but suddenly seemed all wrong and disgusting. Because the mocking made me feel only shame. I tore myself away from you. I think I pushed you rather hard because I remember you stumbled backwards a little before you regained balance. Your eyes looked surprised and scared at the same time, and searched for safety in mine. I was known for my quick, and often witty, replies so my brain worked full speed, even if it was clouded by alcohol. And you. I pointed at you with an evil laughter and shouted loud enough for everyone to hear:

“My God Bernie, what the hell are you doing? You freak!”

I ran over to join the group, shook my head in disbelief together with the others, mocked you and laughed. I can’t remember now who they were, those other students, just that they weren’t important. The only important person was you. I turned around once, just for a second, and caught a glimpse of you before you opened the door to your flat. Your face was only half visible in the dim light, and I’m not sure if I saw tears streaming down your face or if that was part of my imagination, but I knew I had shattered your heart. And mine.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

You arrived early. There was a knock on the door and there you stood all of a sudden. I had been on the edge of my seat all morning because I knew you had to check in with me. I was the clinical lead on AAU and technically your new boss. A boss who had been more or less sleepless the last couple of nights upon your arrival. I had tried to prepare myself and imagined how it would be like to see you again but it was impossible to predict I soon experienced.

“Hi S´rena.” You said and blinked a lot with your eyes, like I remember you always did when you were nervous. The way you said my name was the same as in the past. Your voice was nearly the same, a bit lower. Sexier… And you looked…. amazing! Age had done you nothing but good. I was not prepared for this.

“Hello Bernie, welcome to Holby City and AAU.” I took a deep breath, tried my best to steady my voice. I got up and reached out my hand, immediately thinking it was probably silly to shake hands like we were strangers. But you took my hand and squeezed it gently.

“Thank you.” You replied softly. Your beautiful brown eyes were locked with mine for a moment.

I showed you around the ward. Your reputation had obviously preceded you and several staff members stopped and commented on the great achievements they had read about in medical journals. You thanked them politely.

I had often thought about what it could have been like if I hadn’t been such a coward all those years ago. And the years after. Basically my whole life regarding this when I came to think about it. Because the truth was no one has ever made me feel the way I once felt about you. The way I still felt about you. And now you were here… Walking next to me in the corridors like time had been erased and it was only yesterday I left you by your door at campus, seeing you confused and hurt by my cruel behaviour. My continuous cruel behaviour those following years at med school. The shame I felt after we were being caught kissing that night had overshadowed everything and destroyed our friendship completely. I repeatedly told people you had thrown yourself at me and how gross it had been. Because I was terrified the truth would come out otherwise. Terrified I was going to be called a lesbian. Like you. You were bullied for a while. Rumours had it you made out with a few other women at parties on campus. You never objected to any of this, and you never said a word about that night and what really happened. Then, after some time, it all settled down and the rumours faded away like these things always do. Partly because no one really ever saw you with a woman and especially when you got a boyfriend a year later. We barely spoke again. I actually can’t remember we said a single word to each other all those remaining years at Uni. We probably both avoided the other as best we could. The regrets about my behaviour towards you were enormous and unbearable at times. It almost made me ill, but as time went by it became more and more difficult to approach you to tell you I was sorry and heartbroken and really would have done anything to make up for it all. So I never did. But I missed you all those years. I missed you immensely.

I had the same, strong feeling of guilt and regret today, and the sadness that never really went away. But the one thing that felt different now was that I wasn’t confused about my emotions anymore. Seeing you this morning made every fibre in my body, down to the tiniest cell, react in the same way as always when I had seen you over the years. Or read about you. Or heard your name being mentioned. Every signal in my system telling me you are the one. The only one. No one has ever come close. If only I had been true to myself in the past…

“How are you S’rena?” We had finished the tour and stood facing each other, both of us probably uncertain of the next move. Your voice resonated in my chest and continued deep down in my belly.

“I’m… fine thank you.” I tried to smile but suspected it didn’t reach my eyes. I remember you once said I smiled with my eyes when I was genuinely happy and that you could tell the difference. I suspected you did now as well because you looked at me searchingly.

“And how are you Bernie?” I heard my voice saying. I was having an inner debate about whether I should ask you out to dinner or just a coffee at Pulses, or do nothing and just let time lead the way. But then so much time had gone already… At least you were here now! I was occupied with these thoughts when you replied.

“I’m good thanks.” It sounded as if you meant it. “It was hard to leave the army and a job I really loved but I’m very grateful to be alive and able to work again. My partner and I bought a lovely flat not far from here and I think things are going to be fine.”

I stood frozen to the ground looking at you for what felt like an eternity but probably was only a few seconds before my head went into turmoil. _My partner_. You had a partner. A loved one. But of course you did! I secretly hoped she was awful but the sparkle in your eyes told me otherwise. I immediately and shamefully replaced that thought with happiness on your behalf.

“That’s lovely Bernie. I’m happy for you.” I managed to reply, blinking away a treacherous tear.

“Thank you. What about you? Are you still married?” Your voice was so soft, you almost whispered the words, caressing my broken heart.

“I’m… newly divorced.” I whispered back. “After being married for 22 years.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that.” Your eyes searched for mine but I couldn’t meet them. Not now when I forced all my energy to keep steady to prevent bursting into uncontrollable crying.

“Please don’t be, it was for the best.” I managed to reply.

I knew I had to say something about the past before you left. The things I should have said a long time ago. I was going to see you at work on a daily basis from now on but it felt like I couldn’t postpone this one more day. I cleared my throat and felt the tense muscles in my jaw. It was difficult to breathe.

“Bernie, I’m so terribly sorry. About everything that happened in the past. I… have never been able to forget about it and...” I struggled to fight back the tears. But once I started talking the words poured out of me until there was none left. I had finally lifted the lid from the well of guilt. You stood quietly listening until I had finished. And then you put your arms around me and gave me hug.

“It’s alright S’rena. I forgave you a long time ago.” You said with a reassuring smile. Your hazel brown eyes looking gently into mine before we said goodbye and you walked out the door.

I somehow managed to get into my office, close the door and shut the blinds before a combination of relief and sorrow overpowered me and I sank down to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Between sobs I repeated your name again and again. ‘Bernie, oh Bernie!’ There was no doubt in my heart. I loved you. I had always loved you, ever since that first day you sat down next to me at Uni.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

We soon got into an agreeable rhythm working alongside. Although I was often feeling slightly nervous being around you on other occasions, performing complicated surgery together was like a dance between two people who fitted perfectly together and instinctively knew the other person’s next move. Sometimes you took the lead, sometimes I did and the other would follow. I admired your performance, your movements, the exceptional surgical skills. The way you handled every task with such confidence and determination. Your blinding smile when you high-fived me after finishing a successful operation and said: ‘Good job Ms Campbell!’ etched into my memory and was what I often pictured when I got home.

The atmosphere was a bit different outside of theatre. I wouldn’t say tense, I really enjoyed your company in the office where we often discussed medicine and various treatment methods. Or the bureaucratic matters which were likely to annoy us both. But when we talked about our personal life things had a way of becoming slightly less relaxed. At least for my part. I told you about my nephew Jason and his particular interests, and you tipped your head to one side and smiled softly when you listened to me, and looked so adorable I found myself starting to stutter. You told me about your time in the army. And about the accident and that you knew your chances of surviving surgery hadn’t been high. My heart clenched with sadness hearing you talk. I could only imagine how scared you must have felt. And alone. I wanted to hug you but I wasn’t sure you wanted me to so I didn’t. And I was scared to touch you because that was what I wanted most of all. Touch you, hold you, feel you close to me in all imaginable ways. I reminded myself that I was grateful for being your friend again, after all these years, and that you were happy with your partner. You never mentioned her though, I only knew her name was Alex. Until one day you did. We were sitting in Albie’s after a long, rather exhausting day, having a glass of wine. It was something we seldom did but your smile had widened when I asked you to join me that particular evening. Side by side we had walked in the cold autumn wind that messed up your little ponytail and made your cheeks delicately pink. I had to force myself not to stare at you when we arrived at the bar. You were stunningly beautiful that day.

“You know, Alex…she saved my life…” You said, taking a large sip of your drink.

I held my breath. There was a pause. I wasn’t sure if I should ask or if you were going to tell me more, and perhaps you weren’t sure yourself. But then you started to talk again. You told me about the accident. Not the details I already knew. This time you told me about Alex. That you two had worked together in the army and she had been out there with you on the day of the accident. How she had managed to drag you away from the explosion the last minute, otherwise you would have been – dead –, and that her quick treatment at the scene had made all the difference and given you a fair chance of survival. She had been there when you woke up after the operation and stayed by your side all those months of recovery.

“We weren’t really in a relationship before the accident. More like… had an affair, but after we became a couple.”

“Are you happy Bernie?” The words popped out of me before I had a chance to think them through. You looked like you were caught off guard.

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply there might be a possibility you aren’t.” I stuttered, and cursed inwardly.

“Alex is… generous and kind.” You replied, looking a bit helplessly around the room.

“I would never do anything to hurt her.” You continued, more determined.

It was like something short-circuited in my brain and I suddenly felt black on the inside. Or was it red with burning jealousy? The bond between you two seemed strong and unbreakable. Perhaps decades of repressed emotions had led up to this. Nevertheless something beyond my control took over.

“Yeah, I’m glad to hear she’s nothing like me!” I spat out. “You two are clearly made for each other. Both kind and generous and going out of your ways not to hurt each other!” I couldn’t stop myself. A rage I never knew existed had taken place in me and even though the glass of wine might have contributed to speaking less filtered, I couldn’t possibly blame it on the alcohol. “I hope you both live happily ever after in your precious little bubble!”

Your eyes widened and your mouth fell open in astonishment and most likely horror.

“I… Excuse me, I think I should go.” You got up from your chair and started walking towards the front door. You turned around right before you were about to push the door open, looking at me with a sad expression in your eyes.

“No, Bernie wait, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me!” I ran after you, the feeling of despair had taken over all other emotions. I had ruined everything. Again.

“Please, Serena! Stop!” You pushed away my arms when I tried to cling on to you in one last desperate attempt to make you stay. So I could explain.

You made a halt and gave me the opportunity to say something. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out this time. What could I possibly say to make this right? How could I justify messing things up again? You were in a solid and good relationship with the woman who saved your life and obviously loved you very much.

“Again, I’m very sorry…” I then said shamefully, looking down at the floor. My throat felt thick and made it hard to speak. “It was a really awful thing to say. I wish you nothing but happiness. Honestly. I think it’s the guilt I’ve been carrying all those years. You know… the way I hurt you in the past…”

I had no idea if this explanation made sense to you. I don’t even know if it made sense to myself. Your eyes had an unreadable expression, but you lifted your arm and put a hand on my shoulder ever so briefly.

“That’s all in the past Serena, you know I hold no grudges. Try to remember that. We’re… friends now.” Your voice was so soft and your mouth curled into one of those quick smiles I liked so much. No, loved.

I watched as you walked out of the door. Walked out of the tiny hope I had kept deep inside my heart since the day you came back into my life. I didn’t care if the other guests saw the tears streaming down my face as I went back to our table to gather my things. When I got home, Jason already gone to bed, I sat alone in the dark in the living room staring in front of me for hours. I knew I had to let go. Let go of the dream of us becoming more than friends. Release you from my system as anything else than a colleague and friend. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you again.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

It was an ordinary Tuesday afternoon. A few weeks had passed since my unreasonable behaviour that evening at Albie’s. We were back to normal. If one could call it normal the way we acted around each other. Or more specifically; the way I self-consciously tiptoed around you to make sure I wouldn’t hurt you again in any way. We never spoke about what happened that evening but we gradually fell back into the steady work relationship rhythm which still worked perfectly.

“S’rena, it’s okay, you can tell me. I was being reckless in there, wasn’t I?” You asked when we sat down together in the office at the end of what had been an exhausting day, mostly because of a long and complicated surgery that needed our full attention for hours.

It was a two-person job and you had made a quick decision this morning and started without me. There was no doubt you had broken a few rules of protocol but there was also no doubt that was what had saved the patient’s life.

“You were being the greatest trauma surgeon this country has to offer.” I replied with a wink.

You chuckled and slowly got up from your chair, rubbing your back.

“Are you in pain?” I asked, immediately worrying.

“Yeah, just a bit, my back has a way of lock itself up now and then. It will pass.” You replied with a faint smile. I could tell the pain was more than just a bit based on your facial expression.

“Want me to have a look?” I offered, already on my way over to you.

“Ah yes thanks, that would be great.” You replied gratefully.

You leaned forward and placed your hands on the desk while I went to stand behind you. I started to run my fingers down your spine and felt a quick shiver going through your body. And mine. I reminded myself of the reason why I was touching you but my heart was speeding up when my hands started to circle around the muscles in your lower back, massaging to loosen up the tension I could feel there. A low moan escaped your lips and I felt it in my stomach.

“That felt so good!” You said a little breathlessly after, straightening your back.

“I’m glad I made you feel good.” I replied. “I mean…”

“Yes well, thank you so much, I’ll have to head home now.” You said with a quick smile, hurrying out the door.

* * *

“Excuse me, I’m looking for Ms Wolfe?”

The voice of a woman further down the corridor caught my attention while I was going over some files at the nurses’ station. It was one of those rare, quiet days on the ward when we could slow down the pace and catch up on some much-delayed paperwork.

“I don’t think she’s in today.” Donna, one of the nurses, replied. “Isn’t that right, Ms Campbell?” Donna called out in my direction.

I walked over to them and took in the sight of the dark-haired woman with steely blue eyes, who obviously knew you. She was handsome but there was something about her that made me feel a bit uneasy.

“That’s right, Ms Wolfe has the day off today.” I confirmed. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Don’t think so unless you know where she’s hiding when she so innocently claimed she was heading for work this morning!” The woman said in a harsh tone.

“I’m sorry, it’s not your fault.” She moderated herself shortly after and stretched out her hand. “My name is Alex Dawson, I’m her partner.”

I felt my stomach clench. I almost felt sick for a few seconds. What on earth was going on?

“I… eh… well she’s not scheduled to be in today, there must be a misunderstanding.” I replied cautiously.

“Ha! Yeah, not sure what to call it!” Alex said bitterly. “She’s not exactly the easiest person to be around.

I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant. I found you to be rather easy company in terms of your gentleness and genuine compassion for all living species. But I wasn’t your partner of course, I didn’t live with you…

“Well I guess I’ll just have to wait for her at home then so she can explain her lies. Again.” Alex turned around and walked down the corridor.

I was confused. Was this the same woman you seemed to praise for her generosity and kindness? I wanted an explanation too but most of all I wanted to make sure you were okay. I went to my office and dialled your number.

“Hello?” You picked up immediately. I could hear the wind blowing through the phone and your breathing was a little rapid, like you had been running or walking fast.

“Where are you Bernie?”

“What? Has something happened? Do you want me to come in?” You sounded worried. “I’m just… out on a walk.”

“No, nothing serious has happened. It’s… Alex showed up just yet, looking for you.” I suddenly felt I was intruding into your private life. I had no right to interfere with your domestic issues and instantly regretted I had called you. But then again, I was genuinely concerned about you.

“Oh…” There was a long pause. “I think perhaps I should explain…” You then said.

“Yes, well she said she’ll be waiting for you at home.” I replied.

“No, to you Serena. I want to explain to you.”

You came by the hospital at the end of the shift. The day had thankfully remained quiet so I was able to clock off on time. I was about to gather my things and asked if you wanted to grab a coffee somewhere. Wine didn’t seem appropriate to suggest and besides that hadn’t gone so well the last time.

“No thanks, I’m heading home soon. I have to do something I should have done a long time ago...” You said, seeming a bit absentminded. “We can just stay here? “ You fiddled with your hands and took a deep breath.

“I’m not sure how to explain this… I assume you know I lied to Alex about being at work today. It was her day off as well and I knew she wanted us to do something together but I just… needed to be alone so I told her I was going to work and left early this morning. You see… I do care about her but…” You were clearly nervous and blinked a lot with your eyes.

You took a few steps closer to where I was standing. And a few more until you were right in front of me. I held my breath. The sadness in your eyes made you look more beautiful than ever.

“Bernie…?” My heart was beating wildly in my chest.

“It’s just that…” You whispered.

In what felt like a haze you leaned in and kissed me. So soft and gentle. The featherlike contact made it feel almost unreal. Then a short cry escaped your lips and you suddenly withdrew as if burned. You looked at me in horror.

“S-sorry! Please forgive me!” You stuttered and ran out of the office before I could manage to respond.


	5. Chapter 5

“What’s this?” I looked at the envelope in my hand and then at Mr Hanssen who had just put it there. I had barely finished my first cup of coffee in the morning after a sleepless night.

“It is from Ms Wolfe. She has handed in her notice.” Mr Hanssen replied, his tight lips revealing this was something he disliked a great deal.

“W-what?” I felt an instant ache in my stomach.

“With immediate effect. She’s going back to the army it seems and therefor not obliged to stay for a notice period and has as a matter of fact had her last day of work here.” Mr Hanssen looked at me with an ambiguous gaze.

The second I was alone in my office I grabbed my phone to call you. You didn’t pick up. I tried once more, with the same result. I left a message on your voicemail: ‘Bernie… please… we need to talk.’

The rest of the day was busy. I was caught up with surgery and other tasks, unable to check my phone until the end of the day. When I finally had the chance to look at it there was a missed call from Jason but nothing from you. I quickly called Jason back. He wanted to remind me it was fish and chips night so I didn’t forget to order on my way home.

“Excuse me Ms Campbell?” Donna popped her head in.

“Yes?” I replied, feeling tense and on the verge of desperation.

“There’s a guy here to collect Ms Wolfe’s belongings. Shall I send him in?” Donna asked.

We had shared office for some time now you and I, and it was quite some time since my function as your boss had ended and we had become equals. I looked over at your desk. We had literally shared everything and now you didn’t even come in to collect your things yourself, just vanished into the air.

I nodded and the man came in. While he gathered your things I quickly wrote down a note for you.

“Can you give this to Ms Wolfe, please? I’d rather not send it to her home address.” I said.

“You mean to the hotel where she’s staying?” The man asked.

“She stays in a hotel? Wait, I can give it to her myself then. Which hotel?” I could hear the trembling anticipation in my voice and the man hesitated.

“I’m not sure…” he began.

“Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m a crazy ex-husband or something, I’m her closest work colleague!” I chuckled and gave him my most charming smile and the man smiled back.

“Of course, here’s the address.” He scribbled it down in my notebook.

* * *

My heart pounded hard in my chest as I entered the reception area.

“I’m here to visit Ms Wolfe.” I told the woman behind the desk. “Bernie Wolfe. Which room is it please?”

“There’s no one here with that exact name…” The receptionist replied.

“Berenice Wolfe?” I tried. “She’s expecting me.” I added, determined to convince her to give me your room number.

It worked and as I went into the lift I realised I had no idea what I wanted to say to you. Other than begging you to stay. At the hospital and especially in my life. I had longed for you to be in my life for decades and I wasn’t going to give up now. Especially not now. You had kissed me! If that was the reason for leaving so abruptly then we really needed to talk.

You looked like you had just been sleeping when you opened the door. And probably crying. Your hair was messy and I wanted to run my fingers through it and I wanted to do so many other things.

“S’rena what are you doing here?” Your expression went from tired to wide-awake, confused and probably horrified, within seconds.

“What are _you_ doing here?” I replied. “I mean, why did you run away, quitted the job and rented a room in a hotel? All in less than 24 hours. That’s a bit too dramatic to be you Bernie.” I said jokingly in an attempt to ease the situation a little. It didn’t seem to work because you continued to stare at me like I was a ghost. 

“Well… come in…” You then said and opened the door properly for me to enter.

You sat down in one of the large chairs in the room, looking stiff and uncomfortable, and I sat down in the other. You fiddled with your hands and blinked with your eyes. I felt sorry for you and was about to say something when you opened your mouth.

“I know this must seem strange to you S’rena. My… behaviour. The other day at the office and then… just quitting work like this.” You looked sheepishly at me before focusing your gaze on the floor. I had to admit it was a bit strange but somehow it also gave meaning. Because it was like something deep inside you spoke to something deep inside me without words at the same time as your stuttering attempt to explain.

And then you found your words and told me you had ended the relationship with Alex and moved out.

“I couldn’t live on a lie anymore. We couldn’t live on a lie. It wasn’t fair to Alex. I should have left a long time ago. I… don’t love her. Not really, because…” You looked up through your fringe for a second and then down on the floor again.

“I have lived with guilt too you know.” You continued quietly. “Because I should have made more effort to make it work with her. I owe her that. Strangely enough she loves me…”

“That’s not strange at all. She loving you I mean.” I replied, hearing my own shallow breathing sounding like if I had been running.

“But did you have to quit work for the same reason and are you really planning on going back to the army?” I continued, my voice sounding scared because I was. Scared to lose you again.

“And… the kiss…? Why did you run away Bernie?” I knew this was probably too much for you but the things we never talked about in the past had caused so much damage and I couldn’t allow for that to happen again.

“Because… because…” You looked helplessly around the room before you took a deep breath. “I like you Serena. I… more than like you. I never stopped liking you, even after all these years. That’s the main reason it never really worked with Alex. But you… I know you like me too, just not… that way…” You paused.

I was about to protest but it was like my voice was gone right that moment and then you continued:

“And that’s totally okay of course! It’s just… better for me to be away from you. With all the mess I’ve caused lately, for both you and Alex, I’ll need time away. Going back to the army is my first choice because it’s a job I really appreciate.” This time you looked at me directly and smiled that quick smile.

For a brief moment it was like time had stopped existing and your words echoed in the room. My brain tried to function sufficiently to form coherent sentences. You looked like you wanted to run out of your own hotel room.

“Bernie!” I got up on my feet. My heart was pounding hard and the pulse hammering in my temples as I sat down on my knees in front of you and took your hands in mine.

“Bernie, you really have no idea, do you? What these words mean to me. What _you_ mean to me.” I whispered hoarsely because the lump in my throat made it difficult to speak.

But somehow I managed to tell you. That I more than liked you too. That I have for 35 years. I told you I was so happy to have you back in my life I could barely sleep at night and that the thought of losing you again made me scared beyond measure.

Your eyes filled with tears at the same time as your smile widened more and more. You squeezed my hands gently and then got up from your chair, pulling back a little, creating space between us as if you needed to process this with physical distance.

“I… really didn’t know you felt that way S’rena.” You replied, your voice slightly trembling. “ Sometimes it feels like there's something between us but… I didn’t dare to hope. “This… changes everything…”

“In a good way I hope?” I asked. I knew I had to give you time and space. You had just ended a long-term relationship and were planning on leaving everything behind. I was prepared to give you all you needed. I can’t remember if I was consciously aware right there and then or if I have thought it after but somehow I knew the broken pieces from the past were put back together in that exact moment.

“Yes.” You whispered. “In a very good way.”

“Listen Bernie, I have to go home now. It’s fish and chips night at ours and that’s a serious matter for Jason. He’s most likely waiting impatiently by now. There’s plenty of food though if you care to join us?” I suggested. I found it hard to leave you.

You dried the tears with the back of your hands. Your eyes sparkled and the smile was as big as I remembered from our youth. Before everything.

“I would love to.” You replied softly.

As we walked to my car I couldn’t help but briefly touch your hand. It was almost unreal to me what had just happened and it was like I needed to make sure you were really there. You responded by taking my hand in yours, holding it tight. Warmth immediately spread throughout my entire body. Right at that moment I was so utterly happy. You had changed my life. Again.


	6. Chapter 6

“You’re late Auntie Serena!” Jason announced the minute we entered the front door. I could tell he was not in a good mood. His fish and chips dinners were sacred and I always tried my best to be on time on these occasions.

“I’m sorry Jason, there was something important I needed to do after work… I’ve brought extra pickles. And I’ve invited my… very good friend and colleague Bernie to join us, I hope that’s okay with you?” I asked my nephew who, after seeing you in the hallway, had a broad smile across his face.

“Of course! Hello doctor Bernie. I’ve heard so much about you it’s like I already know you.” Jason replied enthusiastically, looking at you with pure admiration.

“Auntie Serena has told me about the army and that you’re a hero but I’d rather like to hear the stories from you.”

“I’ve heard so much about you too Jason, and I’m delighted to finally meet you.” You replied and smiled warmly at my nephew.

Dinner was a thorough interrogation of your heroic achievements and I tried to calm down Jason’s enthusiasm a little to give you some space, but you just laughed and answered every question patiently. I couldn’t take my eyes of you. And the gazes you gave me back sent hot stabs of want deep down in my stomach. I had longed for so many years. The fact that you were in my house and we had just declared our mutual feelings for each other almost felt too good to be true. But it was true and this was only the beginning.

Jason seemingly having his curiosity stilled, at least for now, left the table after the food had been consumed and went into the living room. I had to admit I was fascinated by your stories as well. A similar sensation to the one I had experienced when I first met you 35 years ago floated through my system. Only this time I didn’t want to hide or repress anything. You were magnificent, I thought to myself. You got up to help me clean the table and for a brief moment we stood facing each other, close, and all I wanted to do was to lean in and kiss you. But I knew that if I did I might not be able to stop. And with Jason in the room next door that wouldn’t be a good idea… Your eyes sparkled, your lips curled into the most delightful little smile and I was certain you had similar thoughts. Your gaze made me dizzy and I had to ground myself by breaking eye contact.

“Doctor Bernie, do you want to come and watch ‘The World’s Strongest Man’ with me?” Jason shouted from the living room.

“Yes, sure, absolutely Jason, just give me a sec.” You shouted back.

“Bernie, I really appreciate the way you are with Jason but you don’t have to watch that show.” I assured you.

“Who says I don’t want to watch it?” You chuckled and winked. “If it’s alright with you?” You added, looking around the kitchen.

“Yes of course, there’s barely anything left to clean up. That’s the wonder of take-away.” I replied smilingly.

I joined both of you shortly after. Filled up our glasses of wine and sat down next to you on the couch. Inches apart but not touching. Jason’s lively comments on the show made you laugh. Or rather it sounded like those goose honks I remembered so well from the past. I realised I hadn’t seen you this cheerful since our youth. Since that first year at Uni.

The warmth radiating from your body being so close to mine was intoxicating. Everything about you was intoxicating. When Jason said goodnight and went upstairs I barely dared to move. You shifted in your seat and turned to look at me.

“I think perhaps I should head back to the hotel…” You said, eyes flickering and your voice a little unsteady.

The voice in my head was screaming ‘No! Stay!’

“You must do what you feel is best…” I replied. It had to be your choice.

You got up from the couch and stood for a moment looking around the room as if you had a brief inner debate with yourself. Then you looked directly at me.

“S’rena…”

I got up and walked over to you. The longing in your voice drew me to you like a magnet.

“This is what I feel…” For the third time in my life you leaned in and kissed me. Only this time everything was different. It wasn’t a light, hasty kiss. It was hungry and craving. Your hot lips burned against mine. The moans escaping your mouth set my brain on fire. Hot stabs of want went straight between my legs. I wanted you so much I could barely breathe.

“Oh God Bernie!” I panted. My hands roamed over your back. I was aching to touch all of your delicate body but I stopped myself. “Bernie, I know you need time…”

“I’ve longed for you for over 30 years. I don’t want to wait any longer.” You whispered hot against my lips.

I took your hand and led you upstairs. Blood was rushing through my veins and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest I had trouble controlling my feet. My body ached to be with you with a force I had never experienced before but it was like my brain didn't cooperate. Once inside my bedroom I hesitated. Not because I was having second thoughts, nothing could have been further from the truth. But I was scared. I was scared that all the years had brought you expectations I couldn’t fulfill. Scared that my aging body wasn’t what you had fantasised about. That I couldn’t be what you had longed for… It was like you understood my doubts without words. You looked at me with a warm, soft gaze that was so calming and trailed a hand over my chest, letting it rest there for a second, feeling my heartbeats. Then you let it slide further down over my stomach, knowingly touching one of the parts I was most self conscious of.

“S’rena, you're so beautiful.” You whispered and pulled me in for a tight embrace.

The way your eyes looked at me with reassurance and your warm body felt against mine washed away most of my fear. Because how could anything that felt so incredibly right be wrong? When you slowly undressed me the remaining bit of doubt disappeared. Your eyes widened as more skin was revealed and your breath became more and more erratic.

It’s impossible to put into words how it felt having your naked body against mine for the first time. How your hands touching me made every cell in my system react in a way I had never imagined. And God knows I had imagined it a million times! We lied down on the bed and you started kissing slowly down my body, starting with my neck. Your hot breath sent shivers down my spine and made me moan with pleasure. You moved to my chest, kissing your way to my breasts. Your tongue circling around an erect nipple, biting it a little. The sensation itself and the moans coming from you as you did this made me cry out so loud I was glad Jason’s room was at the far end of the hallway. My body was on fire, everything was electric. You were electric. You kissed your way down my stomach, your hands caressing my hips. You looked at me with a gaze I will never forget, eyes almost black with desire, before you settled between my legs and your tongue touched my very core. Your strong arms had to hold me down on the bed as my hips bucked uncontrollably. There was no way I could make it last, even if I tried my best. The wave that hit me was so powerful it felt like I was close to pass out. When I came to I was gathered in your arms, my head resting on your chest. Ripples of pleasure still pulsing between my legs. You stroke my hair and put small kisses on my forehead.

“Bernie.” I whispered, turning to look at you. “Bernie, I love you. I have always loved you.”

It felt so good to finally say it. Your eyes welled up with tears. You opened your mouth to speak but fell silent again, as if the words failed you. I didn’t wait for you to say something, couldn’t still the urge to show you how much I loved you. I moved to be on top of you, cupped your face with both hands and kissed your lips passionately. I pressed my body against yours and started rocking in a rhythm that made you gasp for air. I let my instincts lead the way, feeling every inch of you both physically and emotionally. My fingers trailed down your chest, stopping at the scars on your sternum. My breath hitched. An immediate reminder of how fragile life is. Tears filled my eyes and I kissed the scars softly. Your hands caressed my hair, then lifted my face to make me look at you. You might not have said it with words but the way your eyes spoke to me in that exact moment told me everything I had ever wished for hearing you say since the first time you kissed me under the lamplight that many moons ago.

“Oh Bernie.” I whispered hoarsely.

When my hand reached your soft, velvety entrance, fingers circling around it a little before entering the slick heat, I almost couldn’t believe how touching you made my own body react. Seeing you close your eyes in pleasure, hearing your soft moans and feeling how your body reacted to my touch was like a hidden treasure being revealed to me. It was utterly beautiful and arousing. As you cried out, clenching tightly around my fingers, my clit was pulsating so strongly I was totally overpowered by the delicate release that happened within seconds.

You cried in my arms after. Silently at first, then sobs coming from deep in your throat started to take over. Your body still shaking with spasms in the aftermath.

“It’s okay darling, let it out.” I whispered, holding you tight. It was like our bodies told each other stories we hadn't been able to say with words. Stories of longing. After a while I felt your body relax, melting into mine.

We must have drifted into sleep at some point after because the next thing I remember was the early morning sun peaking through the not fully closed blinds. Our bodies still tangled together, breathing in the same rhythm, it felt like nothing in the entire world could ever separate us again. You looked so vulnerable in your sleep. Yet you were one of the strongest persons I had ever known. I think that combination was one of the things that drew me to you so irrevocably, even the first time I met you. Soft and brave. My Bernie. The love of my life.

Your body moved a little, immediately causing hot impulses floating through my system again.

“Morning S’rena.” You whispered, your eyes squinting to get used to the light. You put a soft kiss on my lips.

“Mmmm.” I hummed.

“What will Jason say about me still being here in the morning?” You asked, giggling like a teenager.

“Well, he might just as well get used to you being around at all hours... I mean, if I can assume you’ll come back that is?”

“Hah!” you honked. “Can’t get rid of me now!”

“I bet Jason won’t be up any time soon though, it’s still very early. Probably not for an hour or so…”

I was cut off when your mouth pressed against mine, hot and craving. Your body started to move delicately against mine. The last clear thought I remember thinking before getting lost in the sensation was how life sometimes changes when you least expect it to. I had dreamt about you for decades. Yearned for you. Cried myself to sleep countless nights because it all seemed so hopeless. And then, when I thought you were going to disappear out of my life again, you became mine.

* * *


	7. Epilogue

“Write it down?” You suggested, snuggling up next to me on the couch by the fireplace.

I’d been having the same thought for a while. We had talked about it over dinner. How we met at Uni and fell so irrevocable in love back then. And how I managed to screw everything up for years to come… You never held me responsible for the last part though.

“Perhaps our story can help others? To stop hiding and stop being ashamed of who they are? To be brave enough to open up to love and not let so much time pass…” I wondered.

You were silent for a while. A glimpse of sadness in your eyes was reflected in mine. Knowing that so many years had passed before we ended up where we were always meant to be. Together. Then you took my hand and held it tight.

“Yes.” You replied softly. “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”

The sentiment was confirmed by a happy bark. Our dog pressed himself in the centre of the couch for a cuddle, obviously in heaven when he could get the attention from us both. We were staying at the cottage we bought some years ago, when a colleague announced they were selling. It was the most perfect little place by the sea, a couple of miles outside of Holby. We were so thrilled to get it. We came out here as often as we could. Sometimes after long, stressful days at work and frequently at the weekends. Just the two of us. That was until we were three.

“S’rena, I made a quick decision today… Without consulting you first, I’m sorry.” You announced one day coming home after having had the day off. Although you didn’t look particularly guilty. Two pair of brown puppy eyes looked at me. You continued by explaining how you had run into an old friend of yours who were on her way to a dog shelter and had invited you to come along.

“So, this is Billy.” You introduced the rather large and rather skinny dog of mixed breed. “He needs a home.”

I looked at the two of you on the couch. The relaxing sounds coming from the fireplace accompanied by Billy’s snoring melted away the stress in my body after a challenging day at work. And your smile when you turned your head and looked at me made my heart instantly warm, as it always did. I never imagined life could be this good.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“And I love you.” You replied softly.

* * *

I walk into the bedroom. There’s a dim light from one of the bedside lamps. Yours is switched off and you seem to be asleep. I smile at the messy curls spread across the pillow. You look so peaceful and beautiful my heart flutters with emotion. The lines on your face are deeper, your hair more grey than blonde now. Still you are the same young, brave woman I fell in love with. You always will be. I lie down beside you, turn the light off and move closer. You instinctively wrap your arms around me, pulling me in tight.

“I’ve finished the story.” I whisper. “Our story.”

The final words I wrote tonight will be the first for you to read:

‘My dearest Bernie. The great love of my life. This story is dedicated to you.’


End file.
